Ten Things Hillary Will Do As President

“Incisors”, 2009. Collage by Amanda Langley

Six winning coin tosses in a row! Lady Luck has hit it big in the Iowa caucuses by the flip of a silver quarter. But that should be no surprise; money has always worked in Hillary Clinton’s favor. I look forward to the next tie breaker by way of thumb war or paper/rocks/scissors at the next state’s electoral primary. Will Bernie get his game on? Or shall we prepare ourselves to see the Empress of Ice Cream* bulldoze her way back into the White House via forces beyond our control? Then again, at this point, what difference does it make? 

*The only emperor is the emperor of ice cream in reference to Wallace Steven’s poem “The Emperor of Ice Cream”.

Barefoot Servants: Monica Lewinsky’s feet above the rest.

Here are ten things Hillary Clinton will do as President of the United States.

1) Email the FBI a note of thanks, on a secure network of course.

2) Have the First Husband expand the West Wing into a “woman’s think tank” to keep Bill occupied.

3) Revise Obamacare to be reintroduced as Hillercare Killercare.

Dears in Headlights or Sistas in the Hood?

4) Appoints Chelsea a seat at the United Nations for homework.

5) Makes Huma Abedin her White House Chief of Staff codenaming her “Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants” to mimic the Muslim Brotherhood.

Lady MacClinton takes the throne.

6) Invite Vladimir Putin over to the White House to challenge her to a game of Russian roulette to demonstrate who has more brains and balls. NOTE: Gun made in China.

Hillary’s nightmare: Putin and his trigger finger.

7) Ensure Vice President Bernie Sanders that she will let him out of his pet crate for occasional bathroom breaks.

8) Replace Michelle Obama’s organic garden with a goat pen because “(blood) sacrifices must be made.”

Michelle’s organic garden not exactly cannabis friendly.

9) Rehire Monica as an intern to make Lewinsky her bitch.

10) Will ask Goldman Sachs for a significant raise.

Jack “Jackie” Hammer endorses Hillary for authentic girl power!